Always worried about what he would think, demand, like, or say, she lived her life trying to please her ‘men’. First it was her father who always scolded her for not fitting into the image of a perfect “Persian daughter”. Why don’t you help your mother out more with the dishes? Why can’t you be more modest like your sister? Why are wearing so much make up? Why are talking to boys? Why are you talking about boys? Why are you wasting your time so much with things that you shouldn’t be wasting your time with? Why do you laugh so loudly? Why are you dressed like that? And the questions and criticisms never stopped….
As if it wasn’t bad enough that she had to deal with all her “shortcomings” as an accepting daughter, she also had to deal with all the gossip of her community. The eyes that looked at her were all unforgiving. Oh look; she’s the one who is very Americanized. She just pretends like she’s Iranian so that she could hide what she truly is. A whore. A slut. Did you hear about her affairs? Did you hear about the innocent boys that she seduced? The same boys who came to the Mosque and prayed are now singing songs of “love” all due to her impure desires. They point her out with their eyes every time she steps into the halls of her childhood. She’s misunderstood, unheard, but never invisible. She wished she could be invisible. She wished she could just camouflage with space and blend into the realm of life without being pointed out wrongly, oh so wrongly…
From one man to another, she has now entered the world of ‘boys’ and ‘flirting’ and having to fulfill another ‘his’ demand. What should she wear to be able to impress him? It can’t be too slutty but not too dorky either. She wants to let him know she likes him but how does she do that without “scaring him away”? Does she call or wait for him to call? What’s the balance? Balance for who? For him! What he thinks and what society has forced upon to him to believe? Or what both people in a relationship must put in? “Play hard to get,” some say. But what if it’s too hard and he gives up? He’s too hot, be careful he is not stolen away. He’s not too hot; it’s probably your looks that were only able to get “this level of hotness”. She feels lonely if there is no ‘he’ because society decides that if she is alone, then she is not successful and not happy. It’s ok if ‘he’ is alone. If ‘he’ is alone, then it is probably he is doing something more important. But if ‘she’ is alone, then it must be a shortcoming that she has had. Either she’s not very pretty, or does not fit into the role of the ideal/typical “woman”. Or she is too selfish. Why can’t she just act like how a woman should act? She’s tired, she just wants to disappear into nothingness sometimes…she wants to scream, but she can’t awaken her parents. Then she is reminded by the voice in her head that sounds more like the first demanding man that she should kneel down and pray.
Father, oh Father why do you keep on asking and never answering once? According to the books (Quran, Bible, Torah), you demand more than any man in her life. Cover yourself because men must not to be tempted to have sexual thoughts about you. Be a good wife and respect your husband as you would your God. Yes, you are worth half of what a man is worth, but you are also the symbol of beauty and love, so sit back down and hide behind your man and let him succeed. You are his inferior, he might think… ”Oh Father of all fathers,” she must pray. “Hold on to me and watch my back.” She must pray so, but all she wants to do is be herself and hope for herself without having to ask for any man’s help and “guidance”, if only she were free…
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